In the unlikely event that Cash reads this article, David, here is what you need to do, to get your life and your sanity back. There are 6 steps to take when you've done something wrong: (1) RESPONSIBILITY and REPENTENCE, (2) GROWTH, (3) APOLOGY, (4) ASK FOR FORGIVENESS, (5) OFFER RESTITUTION, and (6) HEAL YOURSELF. (These six steps are for anyone who does any wrong -- in other words, they are for all of us, at some point in our life. And they work not just for major wrongs, but for small wrongs, too.) (1) First, you have to admit to yourself that what you did was terribly wrong. It was a difficult situation -- a nightmare situation -- you were 18 and probably drunk or high, you were with your best friend, whom you felt completely loyal to, you didn't expect the girl to get killed. But you have to recognize these as *excuses*, and say, "Yes, what I did was wrong. I should have fought with Jeremy, if that is what it took, and rescued that little girl. If I had done that, the little girl would have lived. If I had done that, then Jeremy could probably have had a real life, instead of spending the rest of his life in prison. By not acting, I allowed the little girl's life, and Jeremy's life, to end." You have to first take responsibility for your actions, and stop making excuses. This has to be heartfelt, not an act. (2) Once you've admitted this, you have to swear to make changes in your life, and make changes in yourself, so that nothing like this could ever happen again. You need to swear to see the world as more than just out to serve you, and what is best for just you. It is not enough to admit to yourself that you did wrong, without truly changing. You have to recognize that while friendship and loyalty is incredibly important, that they are not more important than saving someone's life. (3) Once you understand this, once you stop denying the wrong you did, and swear to never stand by and let someone get hurt when you can stop it, you have to apologize to those you wronged. If you believe in God, then you can start by praying to the child that died. But whether or not you believe in God, you need to contact her parents, to offer a very heartfelt apology. They may scream at you, but that is not the point -- you owe them that. You owe Jeremy an apology (even though he is a murderer, and now he is attacking you). He was your friend, and you let him down by letting him attack that girl. You owe your parents an apology, for letting them down. And, eventually, you will have to publicly admit that what you did was wrong. You owe an apology to all of the students and faculty of UC Berkeley, for bringing disrepute on them. You owe an apology to all Americans, for your behaviour was insulting and revolting to everyone that heard of the case, and it has brought embarassment to all of us. You should be crying, not denying. (4) You need to ask forgiveness from each of those you wronged. They should forgive you, but I suspect that they won't, at least not right away. That is understandable. But you should ask for it. Everyone deserves forgiveness, if they truly repent what they did, and they apologize. (5) You have to offer restitution to those you harmed. In this case, this is very difficult. The girl is dead and gone forever, and Jeremy is in prison until he dies. What restitution could her parents be given? I don't know. The girl's mother seems to be bent on revenge -- she just wants to get even with you and punish you. Understandable, but sad. It would not be restitution for you to ruin your life via drugs and guilt, or commit suicide. That would be yet another cop out. That would be just the sad loss of yet another young life. The best idea I can come up with is for you to work with young children, particularly those that have been abused or attacked. You need to find a way to save the lives of at least two children, to make up for the one that died. Maybe this is the best that you can do; but perhaps there are other actions, too. I remember the story of Gandhi, when a haunted man came to Gandhi, and told him that he killed a 10 year-old boy, because he was of a different faith, during some ethnic rioting (I think the boy was Islamic, and the man was Hindu, but it doesn't matter). Gandhi told him to go find an Islamic boy whose parents were killed, to adopt the boy, to raise him Islamic, and to love him. If he did that, he would be healed. This is the sort of thing you must do. (6) Once you've taken all of the steps above, and all truly heartfelt, you must forgive yourself. We all do wrong things in this life. Some are more serious than others. But all of us hurt other people, sometimes quite seriously, sometime in our life. After we've taken the 5 steps above, really, we've done everything that we could humanly do, and we must forgive ourselves. You don't have to carry guilt forever, you can deal with it positively and forgive yourself. That doesn't mean that you don't feel sad that you did wrong -- you just don't feel guilt. You come to know that you are now a good person, that while you feel sad about what happened, it is over, and you did everything that you could, after it happened, and you will never do it again. It probably would be a good thing to take a year off from school to deal with all of this. This is a lot to deal with, it is incredibly heavy stuff. If you don't watch out, it could easily poison the rest of your life. If you stay in school, it is almost like you are saying that what happened wasn't serious, that you don't need to focus on repairing yourself. And you need to find a counselor, a mentor, whatever. Someone who you respect, someone who has wisdom, someone who you can confide in, someone you will listen to. It could be a phychologist, a priest or reverend, a trusted teacher, whatever. This person can help you take these six steps.